You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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