The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
