Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have fence marks all over my body
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
