Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
