How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
