he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
