I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
