You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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