i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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