I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
