apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
