don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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