hell yes lets make some ravioli
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
