I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
