But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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