Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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