you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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