wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
