Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
