Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
