I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize