he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
