just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
