its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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