you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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