Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize