He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
