He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
