If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
