I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
