Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
