So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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