I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
