Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
