you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
bring money and cleavage
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
