Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
