Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
babies were throwing up all over the place
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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