I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
