I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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