u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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