I am puke
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
