life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
