What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
