he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
