I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize