woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
