My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
