Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
