On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
