take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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