There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I party with great urgency now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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