Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you made out with another girl for some wings
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
