He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
