Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
