do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
