guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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