she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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