I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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