im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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