On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
