My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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