My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
