how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
