see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize