my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
